Scars of the Heart

Finally! I thought this day would NEVER end. When will I need to know any of this stuff? I cannot wait to talk to my girl. Eric looked soooo cute today. I wonder if she noticed, too. He didn’t notice. Me, that is. He never does. Shocker. It’s time for some tunes. Who do I feel like listening to? Let’s see. Well, how about which tape can I find? I seriously cannot seem to keep track of my cases. I am soooo tired of getting blank ones and writing in the songs. Totally sucks. Ah, there’s a tape with its original case. Debbie Gibson! Her hats rule, although I totally can tease my bangs higher than hers. Take that Debbie! Or, would you rather I call you Deborah? Fast forward, rewind, fast forward, rewind. Uuuugh, pleeease someone come up with a better system for locating tracks. After too many minutes to mention, I find Foolish Beat, my go to for sadness. Time for my duet with my ginormous, boom box. I sing. I cry. I cry way more than sing. I hurt so much. It always seems I hurt for the sake of hurting, and because I feel so stupid. I am holding onto the idea of holding onto someone who doesn’t want to hold. Me. My mind will not stop. I cannot stop thinking about my life, how it never seems like it will change, how I want to be the daughter, friend or girlfriend someone would be proud to have and am so far from it. I know what I need to do. I go upstairs to the kitchen. My pain relief is not found in any medicine or liquor cabinet. It’s sharp, handled and bladed. I just need to send my emotional anguish elsewhere quickly. I descend down to my dark dungeon, also known as my basement bedroom. I take the knife and gently slice my leg, just a few times. It stings so much. I don’t want to leave anything that will scar. The pain, for now, is lessened. Life can go on. I need to get through this. I was a cutter way before cutting became the thing it is today. You do not need to suffer in silence. It will get better. Yet, you must fight for it. You are worth it. Ignore ANY voice that tells you differently. Here are some ways you can stop the urge to cut:

Distract yourself. Music, writing, journaling, coloring, gardening, working out, whatever works.

Volunteer Work. This is so rewarding. Pet shelters and senior centers are great places to go.

The Butterfly Project - http://butterfly-project.tumblr.com/. Healing through art. Amazeballs.

Last but not least, confide in someone you trust. Whether it’s a parent, friend, therapist, or support group, you do not need to be alone. Please check out NAMI’s programs. Totally.